Michelle Tubman 0:00
You're listening to the mindful weight loss podcast episode 60.
Unknown Speaker 0:05
It's time to look at weight loss and a whole new way. Instead of focusing on calories in calories out, you'll learn how to use your brain to transform your body and heal your relationship with food. If you're ready to lose your weight for the last time, you're in the right place, because it's more than what you eat. It's who you are when you're eating. This is the mindful weight loss podcast. Here's your host life and weight loss coach, Dr. Michelle Tubman.
Michelle Tubman 0:37
Welcome back to the podcast this week. I am excited you're here because today I want to share with you a story I want to share with you something that I experienced the other night at a concert that really proved to me that the work that we do inside the weight loss coaching programs and ways of health make a difference, and they change lives. Because I do everything that I teach in my programs, I struggle the same as everyone else, I have ups and downs, I have winds and failures, I have things that I still need to learn things that I still need to work on. And I have doubts and fears, just like everybody else. And the thing is, when you are dieting, you know, when you are following keto, or, you know, drinking shakes, or following a specific meal plan, you know what you're doing, right? You're told what to do, you can check off yes or no, I did it. And you can step on the scale and see that you're making results. And everything is fine and dandy, right, of course until you know that diet ends and you gain your weight back and all of the things but when you are working instead on changing your relationship to food, changing your relationship to your body, choosing to look at your body in a different way. And really focusing on healthy living as a means towards weight loss rather than weight loss as the goal itself, it's a little bit different, right things just aren't necessarily as measurable as you'd like them to be. And it's sometimes hard to see the progress that you're making. Because what I know for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that if you want to take off some weight, and if you want to keep it off forever, it all has to start with changing the insides first, you really truly have to change the way you use food, the way you view food, the way you think about food, all of the things, you have to change these in a permanent way before the results will be permanent on your body. And sometimes that internal work can take a lot of time. Some of us have decades of programming and habits and beliefs around food and body that are just not going to disappear overnight. But you do the work. And slowly things change. And sometimes these changes are subtle, and you're not exactly sure that they're happening. But I had an experience the other night, that really opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the same person that I was a year or two ago. And I am so much happier in the body that I have right now than I was a year ago, even though my body looks only a little bit different than it did a year ago. So here's here's what happened. Rob and I went to a concert at the Winspear Center here in Edmonton. And you know, this is the, you know, beautiful music house where the symphony plays and, and all of that sort of thing. So it wasn't a rock concert. But this was a concert to raise money for mental health. And it was almost like a variety show with different singers and dancers from the city performing. And it was beautiful. But a number of things happened at this event that really illustrated to me how much the work that I've
been doing on myself has paid off. So here's the first thing that happened. The first thing that happened is I've I've really been working on being intentional about what I'm eating and not doing the mindless snacking so much mindless snacking has been a problem for me for a long time. So it's something that I've I've been focusing on and so, Robin, I had planned our meal out for the day. And typically when we go out to an event like this downtown, we combine it with dinner. And we chose to stay home and cook instead. Partly because we're also trying to save money for a bunch of vacations that we have planned for later in the year. And partly because I knew that we would just eat more than than what we really needed to and to that day just it just wasn't the day for it. There's no problem with having big glamorous nights out but I had to work early the next day and I just I didn't want to drink alcohol and I didn't want to feel you know heavy or sluggish or going going to bed on a sugar rush. So, you know that was when number one was we were able To do what felt right for us in terms of our budget and how we wanted to feel, without saying, Yeah, but we always make a night of it, we always go out, and all of the other excuses. So we made a lovely dinner at home, we both felt, you know, light and fine and not bloated and not heavy, and not half tipsy at the concert, which was a bonus thing. Now, we always have troubles navigating downtown and finding parking. So we left a little bit early. And there's a coffee shop inside the lobby of the Winspear center. And they were selling pastries and fancy coffees and all of the things and didn't plan for it. So didn't go by it, even though we got there early. And we had all of this spare time. And it was just it wasn't even, it wasn't even a thought it wasn't an issue. It was like we noticed it was there. And it was the same as noticing the art on the walls, right, it was just no big deal. And that was the first time that I went whoa. Because typically, if I'm bored and there's pastries, the pastries are gonna go in my mouth. Like that's just that's just the way it's always been for me. And just noticing that it was totally a non issue that the pastries and the fancy coffees were there was just a huge win for me. Now,
the next thing that happened is, of course, there was a bar. And, of course, you have drinks when you go to events like this. And I had already decided I didn't want to drink tonight, because I had to be up early the next morning for a clinical shift. And I'm watching all of these people drink sparkly and drink wine and drink beer around me. And I never once had the thought crap I have to drink to fit in. And this is a thought that I have had for so long. You know, I didn't even have my first sip of alcohol till I was way into my 20s like drinking just initially wasn't, you know, a thing for me. And then I went overboard on the drinking for a little while. And then I found this nice balance. But during all of this, I've always felt social pressure to drink, particularly if everybody around me is also drinking. And so the fact that I was able to say, You know what? I decided I didn't want to drink tonight. And it was a note like, total no big deal. Have you had a beer totally fine. I sat there with them. I ordered a Perrier water with with lime. And it was just lovely. It felt good. It's exactly what I wanted. And it was totally a non issue. So that was when number two for me being able to say no to the drink without a second thought about it. Now, here's the next thing. Whenever I'm at events like this, I am always looking around to see what other women are wearing. I like fashion. But I like it on other people, not me. So often what happens is I'll be looking at people's outfits, looking at their shoes, and saying things to myself, like oh, my gosh, that is such a beautiful outfit. I wish I could wear it. I wish I could wear that I wish I could get away with it. Or I would start you know, saying negative things about the women wearing the outfits like, she looks like a snob or she just looks like a rich lady, or she looks like a slot, or like all these horrible things, probably to make myself feel better. But really what it would accomplish is making me feel like, like crap about myself and then because of how I look, but then also like crap, because I don't like being this woman that judges other women. And like this is just something that happens all of the time when I'm out and about with other women. And this time at this concert, I was happy. I was looking at women, and I was noticing their outfits. And I'm like, Oh my God. And I would point out to rob, I'd say, look at that amazing outfit. And he would say that's a Michelle outfit. And I would say yes it is. And doesn't it look good on her. And she just looks so put together and good for her. And it was just I was smiling at women all the time. And they were smiling back. And this was something just so I can't describe how beautiful it was for me to experience this to look at other women and compliment them in my own mind. And in some cases even compliment them to their faces. I did that to a couple of women. And they were just they they were just so grateful. And it was it was just such a beautiful experience, I think for both of us to be to be a part of that. And
it's it's, you know, I don't know like it's, I remember one time being at the hairdresser's and I was coming in and this woman was just coming out and she was paying and she just looks so put together and she was just wearing a like high heels, jeans, and a blouse, nothing special about any of it. But it all just worked perfect. And she just she looked put together. And this was a number of years ago. And I've always just wanted to look put together, like whatever that kind of means. And, you know, lately, people have been coming up to me and saying, You really look put together. And that's the language that they're using. And so I think somehow over the course of, you know, the past couple of years, as I've been doing work on my own body image and appreciating my body as it is just a little bit more, I think I came to this place where I could just embody put together, and so other people are seeing this. And so when I was at this concert, and looking at the women who I thought were put together, I felt more like a kinship, I didn't feel intimidated, I didn't feel less than I didn't feel like I had to say negative things to them, in my own mind to make myself feel better, because I felt like I belonged with all of these other women, even if they were in thinner bodies, even if they were wearing clothes that my body couldn't necessarily, you know, get away with right now. Right? Even if all of these things, I still felt like I belonged. And it was such a beautiful experience. And when we went into the concert hall and took our seats, and I was watching, you know, women come by us to to get to their seats and, and watching them, I just felt so much love for everything for those women, for myself, for Rob for the music we were about to listen to for the cause we were raising money for the whole thing, I was even happy that I had to get up and go to work the next day, which is rare for me. And so that was that experience was huge. And then another thing that happened and this actually made me cry, I blamed it on the music when he asked me you know why was crying. But, you know, if, if you have a bigger belly, you're familiar, you're familiar with this. But you know, like you sit down and you know, your, your gut is just in an uncomfortable position with your clothes, and you just kind of have to do a little adjustment. Well, that happened. And typically, when this happens, I get pissed off. I feel embarrassed. Even though nobody is witnessing me do the adjustment. I'm feeling ashamed of myself, I start hating on my body, I start vowing to do things differently, so that I never have to adjust myself like this again. And it is absolute misery, I usually end up snapping at Rob for no good reason because they feel so humiliated. All of the things and I adjusted myself and I felt this overwhelming love for my body. And I was able to just kind of put my hands on my belly and almost embrace myself as if I was embracing a small child that I loved. I can't describe it any other way. But I just felt total and complete love for my body. So much so that I started crying. And, you know, the funny thing is, I was then embarrassed about the crying and I told Robert was all the music but it was just such this beautiful, tender moment that I had with myself. And I think it might be the first time ever that this spontaneous love for my body arose in me, I have done exercises in journaling and you know, mirror work to put like to to try and purposely bring those feelings forward about my body. And I've been able to do that. But this I think this was the first time that it spontaneously happened. And that had happened in public in in this, you know, beautiful venue with all of this music and these other beautiful women around me was just flabbergasting for me, and you know, it didn't last like it happened. And then I kind of felt quite vulnerable and you know, just a little bit exposed and, and then it kind of went away. But it was there. And it was real. And it was such a huge experience for me. And all of those things like staying home for dinner, not buying the pastry, not getting alcohol, viewing other women and their outfits with, you know, a sense of gratitude and you know, beauty and love and camaraderie with other women rather than this, you know, sense of competition and then having this experience of true self love inside the the concert venue all all of it together was just so freakin profound. And we drove home and you know, my rug will tell you whenever we're in a car coming home from something, I'm asleep in three minutes, it's just inevitable, but not this time. I couldn't stop thinking about all of these things. I couldn't stop remembering how it felt, to touch my belly with love, I couldn't, I couldn't get over how I would look at these other women, and, you know, feel positive about at all and not feel less than or ashamed or like I didn't belong. And this was probably about two weeks ago, we went to this conference or this concert, and it's still on my mind, which is why I thought I would come to the microphone and record this episode for you. Because it's these, these may all seem like these subtle, insignificant things, but they really show how much work and transformation I have done on the inside to feel more comfortable in my body. And I promise you that when you touch your gut, and if you hate on it, and think it's ugly, and think it's too big, it's really, really hard to make good decisions around eating. Right. And the opposite is true. If you're touching your belly and feeling compassion, and love and gratitude, that you're even alive to have a belly, you want nothing more than to feed the things that are going to make you feel more of that right. And so it's it's it's self perpetuating, when you are hating on yourself, it is so much more effortful to do things in favor of your own health. But when you love yourself or appreciate your body, or, or, or at least have this you know sense of gratefulness, that you get to have a body, it is so much easier to make healthy decisions to make decisions in favor of where you want to go eventually. And one of the things that I'm always telling clients in my coaching programs is that you can lose 100 pounds. And you will still find things that you don't like about your body. It's just inevitable. And I promise you, you could go out there and pull 10 Women of 10 very different body shapes and sizes. And every single one of them will identify things they don't like about their body. And so if you think that you're not going to love yourself until you lose the weight, I'm calling you out on that right now, it's simply not going to work that way, you have to do the opposite, you have to love your body first, and then lose the weight. And in fact, I firmly believe that loving yourself, or at least getting to this point where you can appreciate yourself and have some gratitude for the body that you have, the changes just aren't going to last. And I'll tell you, it is so much happier. On this side of things. I can, I can recall countless times when I have been at events, looking at other women. And when you are feeling less than or like you don't belong, or like you're too fat, or like you can't wear beautiful clothes. When you go out. If you're thinking all of these things. It's not fun, it is miserable. It is so much more fun to go in with this attitude that you belong and you are as beautiful as every single other woman in that room. If you can get to that point, then when you try to lose weight, it's going to be so much easier for you because you're doing it from this place of kindness towards your body, from this place of just wanting to do healthy things for yourself, rather than feeling like you have to change your body to fit in with the other women around you. All right. So how do you get there? Well, here's what I've done for the past couple of years. And yeah, it took me a couple of years of trying, before I had that moment of true, spontaneous love for my belly. I have done lots of mirror work. So every morning, I stare in the mirror, and I give myself a compliment. Lots of times I do that exercise naked. It's harder, but it's effective. Yeah, you feel totally weird doing it. I have cried many times I have felt vulnerable, exposed and ashamed and all of the things and I do it. Anyway. The second thing that I find that really helps is I have a picture of myself, as I don't know, I'm probably six or seven years old. And when I hear myself start ragging on my own body, I look at that picture of me as a little girl and I asked myself, would I ever say that to her. And like that instantly turns things around because I can look at that picture of little Michelle and feel nothing but love for her and it's really impossible to hate on yourself when you're looking at at pictures of yourself as a kiddo. So give that a try. Second is I do lots of journaling. So when I start, you know, spiraling into this, it's like I'm really stuck on my ankles right now. It's like I have this Um, fluevog shoe obsession, but some of the ones that I love, just don't really work on my fat ankles. And so I've been really hating on my ankles. And so I've been journaling on, you know why I don't like my ankles and then trying to turn it around and, you know, to say positive things about my ankles that you know how strong they are, that they carry my body, how lucky I am that I can be on my feet all day at work with these ankles and not have pain. So you know, just trying to turn around the negative things that you think and making, making it a little bit more positive. And knowing also that I am, you know, working out in ways that are going to help tone my legs and so I'm, I'm doing some work, that's going to change the way my ankles, look down the line. And so journaling around that, and really getting clear about the thoughts that I'm currently having about my body, and then changing those thoughts around to something that are going to be more positive, more motivating, and more helpful for me. And another thing that I've really been working on is accepting compliments from people. So you know, my husband has looked at me, like, I'm the hottest thing on planet Earth since the day we met, doesn't matter what size or shape my body's been at. That's how he looks at me. And we don't go a day without him complimenting me in one way or another. And, you know, for the longest time, I would make excuses, you know, and shrug them off. And now I like I put the effort into into accepting his compliment. So I swear to God, the first six months, I did that it didn't feel sincere. I did it anyway. And now it does feel sincere when I accept his compliments. And now I am even able to accept it from strangers. So a few weeks ago, I was at a conference for women physicians. And that's where a number of people said, You look really put together, which was just so amazing for me to get those compliments, because it's what I've always wanted to be. And I was able to just say thank you. Right? And in previous situations like this, I would say thank you, and then I would follow it up well, yeah, well, you know, I got this outfit on sale, or, you know, I've had this forever, or, you know, I'd have to qualify, qualify it in some way. And now I just say thank you. And I leave it at that. And believe it or not, that actually helps you appreciate your body. Because when people compliment you and you accept it, you feel it, you take it on, it becomes part of your identity. And sometimes you do have to fake it till you make it. Like I said, for the first six months of accepting Rob's compliments, it didn't feel good, didn't feel sincere, but it sure does now. And I think I think that it's really helped me appreciate myself a little bit more. And then another thing that I do is I actually purposely in my mind, complement, almost every woman I come across when I'm out in my life. So even at work, like when I'm when I'm on a clinical shift, you know, if I go see a female patient, in my mind, I will compliment her like some way like, I don't know, I really like her haircut, it's beautiful haircut on her, right. And I'm not saying it out loud, I'm just acknowledging it to myself. And when I'm out grocery shopping, same thing with the teller, I will just find something to compliment her. In my mind. Sometimes if it's appropriate, I'll say it out loud. But usually, I'm just saying it in, in my own mind. And by appreciating the beauty in other women, you start to see the beauty in yourself as well. And I really wonder if that's not what contributed to me being able to look at all of these women at this event, this fundraising event, and, and be, you know, just see beauty and without judgment. And without making it mean anything about me. I think that practice is what really allowed me to do it. And I just can't tell you how joyful it was to view people like this rather than be judgy in my mind. And I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll say that you're often judgmental towards other women, at least in your mind, as well. And it just doesn't feel good. So these are some of the practices that I have been doing over the past year or two that that you know, when you're doing them, it doesn't feel like it's making any difference. But this experience I had at this concert really, really showed that all of that work I've been doing has made a big change. And I don't remember the last time I had as much fun as I did at that concert. And my husband noted to write and he he's noticed the changes in me and that I feel and talk about myself in such a different way. So I encourage you to give these exercises a try. And if not, then at least give some thought to the possibility of trying to appreciate your body more both For you start trying to lose weight, they really do think it is the key to to success in in your weight loss journey. All right. If you want any help with any of this, I talk a little bit more about this inside my masterclass. So if you'd like to watch that, just head on over to www dot ways a health.com forward slash masterclass and you can register to watch it and you can learn more about how I teach all of this inside my programs. And at any time if you have any questions, please reach out to me at Michelle at ways a health.com or anywhere on social media at ways of health and I would be happy to have a conversation with you about this. And have a good week and we will talk again next week.
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